My stolen copy of the schedule for the first day of the 2020 Democratic National Convention

Yes, this is a parody post, based on an old email chain, which I've updated.

Or maybe I really did steal a copy of the Day 1 schedule of the 2020 Democratic National Convention.

• Proceedings begin as Colin Kaepernick leads the delegates in taking a knee for the US flag.
• Pledge of allegiance to the United Nations.
• Native American blessing given by Sen. Elizabeth Warren.
• Andrew Cuomo introduces Democrats' 2020 campaign slogan, "America Was Never That Great."
• A vote on replacing all gender pronouns with "it."
• A vote on giving illegal aliens the right to vote in all elections.
• Democratic National Committee chairman Tom Perez introduces Socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, again declaring that she is the "future of our party."
• Ocasio-Cortez reminds delegates that there will be no need for funerals after "Medicare for All" is the law of the land.
• First Two Minutes Hate: The delegates recreate the Hillary Clinton campaign's smashing of their Blackberry smartphones.
• Susan Rice blames the lackluster performance of the Obama economy on the posting of an obscure YouTube video.
• After a mid-day adjournment, Bill Ayers denounces America as he steps on the US flag.
• A salute to the Young Democrats of America led by Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden, and Bernie Sanders.
• John Podesta offers tips on how to create an unhackable email password.
• Chelsea Clinton speaks to the delegates, uttering nothing of consequence.
• Jimmy Carter and Barack Obama compliment each other on their Iran policies.
• Mid-afternoon nap for delegates begins as John Kerry addresses them.
• Second Two Minutes Hate: Robert De Niro leads "Fuck Donald Trump" chant.
• Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel introduces Democrats' get-tough-on-crime platform plank.
• Bill Clinton, wearing a pink pussy hat, praises the #MeToo movement.
• Lifetime fundraising achievement award presented to Harvey Weinstein.
• Proceedings end as Antifa radicals burn the US flag.